Doodled Scribbles

I’ve been living my life with life itself with a heavy burden in my heart. Such burden denominated with fear, and unreadiness. Is this one of life’s ways in presenting its predicament? Its hard, hurting and painful. Whenever i see them hiding the pain, my heart aches. Seeing them soundly asleep, i bombard myself with thoughts, how can i make them happy, how can i erase, shift these burdening feelings out of their heart, and out of their tired minds. How i wish in some way, i can make them happy. Seeing them smile each day, seeing them doing okay, happy, completes the aching me..

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Disclaimer:
This is short story of a stupid me.

This is something i kept from “him”

It all started with just one glance. I just got home from school that day when I saw him with my cousin talking in our very old swing.

At first I did not gave any attention to whoever that person that my cousin was with. When I got into the dining area to have my lunch, my mama told me to call them and eat lunch with me as well. And I did, but he was too shy to come in. I didn’t know that there was something going on with the two of them (It was so kilig!).

After a month or so, my cousin had invited me to sleep over at their place not knowing that that guy was going to spend the night with me. The usual shyness and the stuff, yeah, there were those. I can’t do anything so I made the first move. With the usual hi and hello, that started our friendship and that hidden feeling that made me feel so wrong whenever I thought of it. I kept on blabbering and blabbering that entire night. But I felt something wrong went I went to sleep. I had a dream that night, when I woke up with tears in my eyes. I saw him, and I saw myself, but I ignored that. When I got out of the room, I had joined them in the dining area to have my rice-pandesal-cured-ham meal, ‘twas the moment they had dropped the bomb right in front of me. Something inside of me felt crushed. I wanted to go home right that instant. I just don’t want to see the guy again. I know that this is a mistake for liking someone not meant to be touch by someone like me.

We became good friends and he became a very good lover/partner of my cousin. He had a car, but that wasn’t the thing that made us liked him. I wanted to run off. I wanted to get away from the grips of envy and jealousy that I always feel for them knowing that one day, what had happened once, will happen again (which it did). Whenever I visit my aunt and cousin, he was there. And most of the time when I go home, I walk, just to be able to talk to myself and project things that I’m not supposed to do or to be thinking. I had to stay away. I had to give them space or else I’ll get hurt. Whenever I neither see him smiling or just to hear his words, he lifts my spirit up, making me feel not alone. But I was wrong, very wrong. I wanted to scream out every hurt and pain. All I curse about is for me desensitize myself from all of these. I just could not accept me, falling for that person, me, having attached to someone who belongs to someone else’s.

For all the special times, for the things he shared, he secretly did not know that he changed my life. He was the source of my happiness, my inspiration, and my love, which I could not share because in the very first place, I didn’t have the right. Being far away, I just don’t want to think that I’m the reason for them to be in their separated paths; then came the time that they told me they weren’t anymore together. My cousin came to me for advises. She was saddened and got too depressed for what had happened. For so long, I tried to communicate with him. (As I can remember, he was not fond of doing/sending/composing emotional text messages, if not only for cousin, or to his other best friend.). He made a pact with me promising that no matter happens, nothing can change our friendship, nothing can ever change the relationship that we had even the level is not that deep. Who would not even forget those first tears, for the memories we shared, for those billiard lessons, and for so many things. I’ve sent dozens of messages to that person and neither not one message was returned as a reply. I was saddened, got depressed too … I just don’t know what to define if he had forgotten it, or he just made a stupid me believe someone like him.

According to my cousin, he’s having his review in the upcoming board exams. And sometimes, she tells me that he have been asking how I am. But lots of questions have been bothering me whether or not his sincerity was also shared to me. I just don’t know now the difference between the reality and fantasy. Lots of questions, if he truly misses me even if as a friend, he should’ve gave me neither even just one note, nor one text message but there was none. He even deleted all the testimonials I made for him. Every pain afflicted, I wept for it. He just kept unfulfilled promises and he only did treasured one person that I was just a mistake. And me, having that emotions pent up for a reason, making me deliriously concludes what a stupid jerk I am for falling for that person.

Things will never be the same again.

For so many things, how I wish I could’ve just told him… He should’ve not just befriended me in the first place. If only he knows.

I don’t know where our story would end for I don’t know what lies ahead for me. But I can only say one thing for them, that they find their happiness altogether not missing life at its greatest peaks.

To that special someone..